Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
