Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
