When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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