Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
