my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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