The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
