I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
