lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
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