i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
