my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
