Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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