We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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