someone threw a dead crab at me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
