There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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