Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
