All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
