I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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