I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
