This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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