someone get that fucking seahorse.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
