Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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