the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
im holly from the hills drunk
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
