My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
