I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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