I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
