he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
