Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
