Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
