he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
