i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
