Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
