I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
