I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
