I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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