After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
