Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
