you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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