4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
