Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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