I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Terrible idea I love it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
