it hurts more in the daytime
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drunk is not a location!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
