I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
