dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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