Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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