We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
