Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you didnt know i had herpes?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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