There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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