so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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