neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
