I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
