you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
what is it with giant penises always finding me
then he tried to convert me to islam
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
