Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
